Loving Someone
Loving someone (or anyone for that matter) hurts a lot – Always; without exception. No matter how much you invest yourself in that relation, it is never enough and in return, you never get enough either. And still, you keep putting yourself out there again, feeling more cautious than before – placing each calculative step with care; hoping against all hope that this time will be different, rolling a boulder up the hill, like Sisyphus – in a fool’s paradise.
And then sometimes, it doesn’t even matter. At times, nothing does. You just feel like giving up and let it end. Like just take a deep breath and let all the inhibitions, exasperation and anticipation exhale out of you and let go of the burden which has haunted you for so long that it has become a part of you – Living inside you, feeding off your soul just to crush you down into nothingness one day. Perhaps that wouldn’t be so bad after all – falling through a void, disappearing into nothingness wherein you would fade away, your entire existence will go away, the emptiness inside will cease and the pain will too.
You feel that you give away yourself way too much and the other one is always on the receiving side. However, I believe everyone thinks of themselves like that, as if they are devoting their love, excessively so, but if everyone is on the giving side then who is on the receiving side; and even the other way around?
Or maybe it’s not that simple at all. Perhaps there is more to it than it seems. Certainly, there is always someone who we love incoherently without them even knowing how much. And then there is someone who is in love with us, just as much or perhaps even more. But how can we choose to love the right person, how can it ever be fair to us, to them? How many wrongs does it take to make it right?
And then one day, we give our unacknowledged love to someone else, someone who would take it and on the other hand, we hurt the wrong person just to avenge what wrong had been done to us by somebody else. What do we achieve by playing this little wicked game? Is it satisfying to see someone at least acknowledge our feelings? Does it feel good when we see somebody pine just like we did once? Or is there something more to it that we refuse to recognize? Is loving someone really this hard? Or is it as simple as breathing the air around?
And then sometimes, it doesn’t even matter. At times, nothing does. You just feel like giving up and let it end. Like just take a deep breath and let all the inhibitions, exasperation and anticipation exhale out of you and let go of the burden which has haunted you for so long that it has become a part of you – Living inside you, feeding off your soul just to crush you down into nothingness one day. Perhaps that wouldn’t be so bad after all – falling through a void, disappearing into nothingness wherein you would fade away, your entire existence will go away, the emptiness inside will cease and the pain will too.
You feel that you give away yourself way too much and the other one is always on the receiving side. However, I believe everyone thinks of themselves like that, as if they are devoting their love, excessively so, but if everyone is on the giving side then who is on the receiving side; and even the other way around?
Or maybe it’s not that simple at all. Perhaps there is more to it than it seems. Certainly, there is always someone who we love incoherently without them even knowing how much. And then there is someone who is in love with us, just as much or perhaps even more. But how can we choose to love the right person, how can it ever be fair to us, to them? How many wrongs does it take to make it right?
And then one day, we give our unacknowledged love to someone else, someone who would take it and on the other hand, we hurt the wrong person just to avenge what wrong had been done to us by somebody else. What do we achieve by playing this little wicked game? Is it satisfying to see someone at least acknowledge our feelings? Does it feel good when we see somebody pine just like we did once? Or is there something more to it that we refuse to recognize? Is loving someone really this hard? Or is it as simple as breathing the air around?
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